Making a Will: Take account of everyone involved
As originally appeared in The Jerusalem Post on September 13th, 2024.
“We stand our best chance of leaving a legacy to those who want to learn, our children, by standing firm. In matters of style, hey, swing with the stream. But in matters of principle, you need to stand like a rock.” Kevin Costner
This week’s Torah portion of Ki Teitzei is packed with more commandments than any other portion of the Torah. The question is what binds some of these commandments together? If we start with the ‘Rebellious son’ Rav Moshe Lichtenstein writes, “A son who does not obey his parents and rebels against them is someone who places himself at the center and does not accept the authority of others. Such a person does not understand that there are people whom he is obligated to respect, and that he is not at the center of the family. His gluttonous consumption of food and drink likewise points to an egotistic personality. He thinks only about himself and does whatever he wishes, without consideration for anyone else. Thus, the sin of the rebellious son is that he ignores his parents and thinks only about himself.”
Next, we have the law concerning the yefat toar – the beautiful woman captured during the course of battle. Rav Moshe continues, “The Tora commands that the soldier think not only of his own desires, but also of the situation of this unfortunate woman who has just lost everything dear to her and whose nation has lost the battle. Instead of the soldier placing his proud, victorious self at the center, he must show sensitivity to the plight of this woman and grant her time to mourn for her family – and time to himself, to think more calmly about whether he really wishes to marry her.”
He continues, “The idea that connects all of these laws is the obligation to see the world not only from one’s own perspective, but also to take note of the other people involved. This point also assumes broader significance. The Torah discusses the matter of a wife who is less loved, and commands that if this wife bears the first-born son, he must be given his due and not passed over in favour of the son of a wife who is loved more. Here the Tora commands a person not to put himself at the center, by granting the double portion due to the firstborn son to the son of his favorite wife. Rather, he must place at the center the continuity of generations, symbolized by the inheritance, and to give the inheritance to the son to whom it rightfully belongs. One’s own personal interests should not take preference over the chain of generations and the family tradition.”
When sitting with clients when issues of estate planning come up, far too often I hear, “Our kids are great and get along so well with each other. After we pass, they will sort out the estate in a fair and equal way-we totally trust them.” I can tell you that even in the best of families, money issues bring out the worst in siblings. That’s why family courts are full of siblings contesting wills!
I can’t stress enough the importance of equality in the will. You need to leave equal amounts to each child. If you want to help certain adult children more when you are alive, go for it. If you have a child who is about to make an exit on their successful start-up and stands to make tens or hundreds of millions of dollars and another child who is a teacher married to a social worker and struggling financially, I don’t think you need to feel guilty if you help out the struggling couple with children’s braces. But in your will, it has to be equal. It’s not even about the money. It’s the emotional connection with you and your children. I have seen lots of dirty laundry come out when siblings start fighting about inheritance. It usually has to do with one child thinking that they were less loved because when they were 8, mom bought them a candy bar but bought a new pair of shoes for his sister. It seems crazy, but I know stories of siblings that have literally harboured resentment towards another sibling because of a $5 slight, 30 years ago.
Lee Woodruff at AARP.org writes about how proper estate planning can help keep sibling harmony. She quotes Lee Hausner, author of Children of Paradise: Successful Parenting for Prosperous Families, who says, “At the estate level, everything needs to be absolutely equitable; otherwise, we sow the seeds of ‘psychological cancer cells’. Unless there is some real reason why the estate plan should not be equal, you create the possibility of chaos in the family when they are gone. It’s easy for things to devolve into ‘Mom loved you more than me.’ Parents give to their children over a lifetime. With gifting, it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly even. Parents can directly pay for things like education or family trips and can work out a way to balance things if one sibling is struggling and the other is well off. But in death, it’s important to think about keeping it equal, because you won’t be around to talk it out.”
No matter how great you think your children are, do everyone a favor, and create a will where assets are split evenly among your children. You will end up saving your heirs time, money and lots of emotional energy.
The information contained in this article reflects the opinion of the author and not necessarily the opinion of Portfolio Resources Group, Inc. or its affiliates.
Aaron Katsman is the author of Retirement GPS: How to Navigate Your Way to A Secure Financial Future with Global Investing (McGraw-Hill), and is a licensed financial professional both in the United States and Israel, and helps people who open investment accounts in the United States. Securities are offered through Portfolio Resources Group, Inc. (www.prginc.net). Member FINRA, SIPC, MSRB, SIFMA, FSI. For more information, call (02) 624-0995 visit www.aaronkatsman.com or email aaron@lighthousecapital.co.il.
